Finding My Way

Okay, it’s been a year… And a month since my last post. And like the earth circling around the sun I feel like I’ve made a complete circle within myself. In the past year it feels like I’ve moved in waves through everything that isn’t me and come out on the other side completely and wholly who I am. The entire past year felt like I was in a place that just wasn’t quite right. Like I had the wrong piece to the puzzle, but it almost fit so I was trying to push it into place anyways. And if I pushed hard enough it would slide into the puzzle, and might be seemingly perfect, but if I really looked I’d see the picture didn’t match up, and there were little hollows between the pieces where it didn’t fit snug.

It may have taken a lot of experiences and a lot of mistakes and even a bit of loneliness to get here, but I feel that I’m finally comfortable with who I am. Or at least I know myself well enough now to know where I want to realistically change (in a healthy way).

I may not live up to some people’s expectations. I may not be cut out to be a fast-paced go-getter. I am dreamy and aloof and reclusive, but there’s a place in this world for that as well.

Everyone lives life at a different pace. Recently I’ve been reading the book #GIRLBOSS. It is a memoir by Sophia Amoruso, the creator of Nasty Gal and a CEO millionaire by the age of 25. And how did she get there? By defying the corporate world. And while I read Sophia’s story and I admire it, I know that will never be me because I simply don’t have the motivation to accomplish that much in that short amount of time.

I like to think of myself closer to the George R.R. Martin side of the scale. Near the age of thirty Martin wasn’t even making enough money to stay alive. In 1996 the first book of the ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ series, ‘A Game of Thrones’, was published. He was 48 years old. The series did not become famous until the release of the television series in 2011, followed by the release of the fifth novel, ‘A Dance With Dragons’, in 2012. He was 63 years old. He began his work as a writer at age 21, but it wasn’t until 40 years later that he had obtained the same degree of success that Sophia did in about 5 years.

Some people in this world are Sophias, and that’s great! But I’m a Martin through and through and though I may not have much to show for my efforts so far, I know that I’ll get there eventually.

I guess the point of all this is that maybe I wanted to be a Sophia, and it was getting me down that I hadn’t accomplished anything. And it took me a long time to be okay with that, and to fully realise who I am to the whole extent of myself. I can feel it now though. I may only be a pile of smouldering kindling right now, but I’ll be red-hot glowing coals someday.

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