Restlessness

Today is a hiding day. The kind where I just want to stay inside and see no one but myself. This isn’t a bad feeling. It is actually quite a good feeling. My roommates have all left for the weekend and for once I have the house alone. This is my place now, my space.

As humans, we label everything. I guess someone would label me an introvert. It isn’t as though I want to be alone all the time, but when I am alone, or with myself as I think of it, it is a warm, welcoming feeling. The secret place inside myself that is just for me, that nobody will ever know. That, is what or who I truly am. I am a feeling that can only be felt in an empty room.

These are the thoughts I share when I know nobody will read them. This is a post I write with no intention of publishing. Because if I did?

Well in that lies a deep vulnerability. A fear of someone truly knowing me. I am the blue that you see at the bottom of the sea. Where the world above disappears and all that is around is unknown. I was born at a time when the stars aligned in such a way that humans labeled me pisces. That is simply a word. But the stars in that constellation, those great burning flames far far away from earth tugged gently at my molecules as I came into this world. And perhaps something about that made me who I am.

There is an energy inside me that seeks to be let out, through art or words or craft. Is it a part of me, or is it something greater expressing itself through me, and I am humbly the vessel through which it arrives at this world? For certain, some things seek to be known. Others seek to be hidden.

When I deny myself this expression I feel restless. There is too much of that energy in me and it needs to be let out. Even now… to stop typing.. would be…

But then, maybe I will save some for myself.

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